You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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