if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
