I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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