you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
