the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
