waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
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