one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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