Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
