True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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