So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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