oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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