My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
