Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
