my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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