How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
