Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
