My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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