I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
