I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
