i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
