what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
