life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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