Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
