Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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