This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
So here I am, sexting at work.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
