i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
