eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
