The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
