strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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