Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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