Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
A+ Viking dick
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
