If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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