did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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