Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
