Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
