he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
