Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
FUCK WHALES
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