i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
