Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
