I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
