i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
