Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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