So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
