you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
