he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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