WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
