I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
