I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You're like the curious george of whores
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
