Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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