Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
