He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
