I faked an abortion last night.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Randomize
