im six kinds of drunk right now
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
