My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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