I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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