Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
