I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
