Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Life is so much better after having sex.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
