I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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