i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
