I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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